To paraphrase one of my favorite parenting gurus, Jamie Glowacki, “Opinions are like assholes: everyone has one. You are the expert on your child.”

However, it’s very hard when opinions and the attaching judgment that comes alongside them are shared — implicitly or explicitly.

There are so many ‘right’ ways to parent. (Note: There are a lot of ‘wrong’ ones too; any parenting style that encourages neglect, belittlement, dishonesty, abuse of any kind, or other negative behavior is not what we’re about.) There are tons of amazing parents out there and they often look very different from each other. And how true the opposite is as well! It reminds me of a quote by C.S. Lewis:

 “How monotonously alike all the great tyrants and conquerors have been; how gloriously different are the saints.”

This diversity is why one of the first exercises in our Parenting with Peace course gives our students the chance to choose their core values.

But there will be people who will share their unsolicited opinion. These comments can affect us, in our mindsets and behaviors.

My friend and I were talking the other day about how at times, due to family comments, she parents differently based on who she is around (we all do this to some extent at times, don’t we?). But we agreed that our goal is to parent consistently whether we are around others who are ‘stricter’ than we are, or ‘more lenient’ than we are. We want to be the same kind of parent that we are alone as we are with people around. We want to be actors, not reactors; proactive rather than reactive. 

So how can we deal with other people’s strong opinions and the judgement that accompanies them? Just remember to Please Wear Chunky Mittens, (P.W.C.M.)! The mnemonic device is explained below:

P — Pause to Take a Break

Recently, I listened to an interview with Dwayne Johnson regarding the harsh criticism he received when he and Oprah Winfrey asked for donation to help survivors of the Maui fires (donating $10 million of their own money too, I might add). If you aren’t familiar with this incident, both of them received intense critique for having the gall to ask for donations when both of them are extremely wealthy. 

When he first experienced the backlash, Dwayne Johnson said that he took a break. He paused, choosing to not respond until he understood where the criticizers were coming from. After he paused (this was for a number of days, maybe even longer), he read a comment that opened his perspective. Reading it helped him remember when he living as a young man and his family was broke. He was angry during this time and often got into fights. In this moment, he realized that if he was in that circumstance, the last thing he wanted to hear was someone asking him for money especially if that person already had money.

Remember, that it’s okay to pause and take a break, especially when we’re feeling flooded. It helps us respond in a more healthy and less reactive way. Taking a break might look like waiting to respond to comments on social media. Or taking the time to write a longer, more thoughtful response with more kindness. Or in a conversation, pausing might look like a nod or “I’ll give that some thought,” or even a simple, “Hmmm.” Without pausing, it can be difficult for us to see clearly or respond well.

W— Weigh the Criticism 

It’s crucial to take the first step to pause before this step. That way you can evaluate the critique when you are in a calmer state of mind. Once you’ve taken the time to pause, it’s time to weigh.

Imagine you are riding in a car that’s going fast. The driver asks you to measure some small boxes with a ruler. But as soon as you start, the road becomes littered with potholes. How hard will it be to measure? There’s little chance you’re going to get an accurate measurement! Now imagine the road is as smooth as silk. Way easier, right? It’s the same way when we hear criticism — we can’t measure it accurately when we’re driving on a rough road (aka feeling flooded or triggered). Once we’re driving on a smooth road, we can take the time to evaluate if what’s being said has any weight. Maybe there is some room for improvement in what the other person said. I love this quote about evaluating such criticism:

 “Even when we encounter mean-spirited criticism from persons who have little regard or love for us, it can be helpful to exercise enough meekness to weight it and sift out anything that might benefit us.”

— D. Todd Christofferson

C — Change (what you want)

After you’ve paused and weighed the critique, decide if there are potential changes you’d like to make. Some of the best improvements in my life have come from either friends or enemies who spoke up, simply because I hadn’t realized the opportunity to improve in those areas.

A few years ago, I had a difficult conversation with a family member. As we discussed our differences, this person mentioned a criticism that they had noticed in me.

Although I didn’t 100% agree (there was some missing context), I took the time to evaluate the criticism. I realized there was some truth to what he had said. I made a few changes and it improved not only the relationship with that person, but with other family members and even some friends as well.

M— Move Along

Once you’ve paused, weighed, and made the changes you’d like, it’s time to move on and live your best life. Is it helpful to consider criticism? Sure. Is it helpful to keep dwelling on it after that, allowing the critique to  eat your time and energy? Absolutely not. No one is perfect! We have enough spinning plates without constantly worrying about what others think of us.

On the flip side, what to do if you feel yourself (as I often do) wanting to share advice or judgements without being asked? The thing that works well for me is to remember this simple saying: Not my monkeys, not my circus. So many of the things that bother us rarely affect our lives to a significant degree.

Hope you enjoyed this post! When someone shares their unsolicited advice, you can remember to Please Wear Chunky Mittens. What’s the most helpful criticism you’ve received? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.